How Reno Saved Christmas
by GabrielleduVent
Summary: It's Christmastime and the smell of cinnamon's in the air, but Reno doesn't believe in any of it. When a future Elena appears in the midst of the Turks during their Christmas decoration session and sends him on a mission to save Jolly Saint Nick, miracles begin to happen... or will it? Some adult themes. Idea taken off from the Saints Row DLC. One-shot.


BONUS ROUND!

Inspired by Saints Row IV DLC. Yeah, original, I know.

Zirconiade Incident. It was over in the sense that there people finally stopped talking about it and the missing Turks, and let the matter lie; this included Reno's little escapades, as people put it. Bought-out was more like it, but as always, rumours quieted down, burrowing deep into people's memories to be forgotten, becoming dormant again. And the people were left to pick the pieces up.

And so the Turks and Co. were sitting around their place in Midgar HQ, doing nothing particularly productive. It was nearly holiday season anyway, and didn't everything just ground to a halt during Christmas? Except gluhwein stalls and Christmas markets, of course. But that was beside the point. The point was, it was holidays, and even the Turks felt they didn't need to work as hard.

Except, maybe putting the decorations up.

Rufus didn't need to order his folks to put the decorations up. Tseng meticulously planned the layout, while Rude did the muscle work and Elena got on with putting the tinsels up, and the lights, and everything else.

And what was our beloved redhead doing? He was sitting at the table, his feet up on the surface, chomping on the cookies.

"Hello!" his partner – that is, his yelling partner, not his mission partner, that was Rude – finally lost her patience and stood in front of him, hands on her hips. "Can't you help out?"

"Wasn't really planning on it, nah," said our redhead. Rufus, who was trying to sort out all the heirloom ornaments, glared at him. If he, Rufus Shinra, the president of the most powerful company in the world, had to get on his knees and get his hands dirty, his subordinate was damn well going to do the same.

"Stop being a Grinch," Elena chided.

"What the fuck is a Grinch?"

"What sort of childhood did you have?" Tseng asked from where he was trying to uncoil the lights, then thought better of it. "Never mind. I don't think I want to know."

"Christmas is bullshit," Reno said, munching through yet another cookie. Elena slapped at his groping hand, preventing him from getting another fistful. "Sure, we get days off. Yey."

"Someone never got on the Nice List…"

"Look at him, Elena. You think he was ever _off_ the Naughty List?" Tseng glanced at his ace.

"Speaking of naughty…"

"Go away, Reno."

"What about Santa?" Rude asked. Everyone stared at him – it was quite beyond their imagination to hear the big, burly man say something like "Santa" – but Rude shrugged it away nonchalantly.

"Fuck San-"

Reno never got to finish the sentence, as there was a big boom followed by electric crackling noise. There was a sudden _voom_ sound, followed by a smash, and then, in front of them, was…

Elena?

Well, Elena, looking far more haggard, dishevelled, and all in all, grim. Maaaan, that expression did _not _suit her face. Sure, she tried to look oh-so-serious most of the time, but this one put Uncle Scrooge to shame. And why the hell was she so covered in dust and grime? Jeez. Did she forget about dry-cleaning or something?

"Um, who the hell are you?" Reno said, spilling cookie crumbs from his mouth. The other four blankly stared at the new intruder.

"We don't have a lot of time," said the dishevelled Elena. The clean Elena nearly dropped the glass figurine and deftly caught it before it hit the floor.

"Is that… Elena?"

"I'm right here, sir."

"You need to save Santa," said the dishevelled woman. Reno kept munching on cookies, then stopped when the entire room stared at him.

"Hang on. You talkin' to me?!" He removed his feet from off the table. "Save _what?_"

"The reason why Sephiroth went insane isn't because of JENOVA," the dishevelled Elena said, pushing Tseng out of the way. "It's because of Santa."

"I have no fuckin' clue where this is goin', but I can see it's nowhere good."

And it was then that the dishevelled woman through Reno against the wall and held him there. "Listen to me," she snarled. The clean Elena blinked and this time really dropped what was between her hands. Thankfully, it was a melamine ornament, not glass. "Sephiroth discovered beneath Nibelheim Mansion that it was Hojo who was putting gifts under the tree, not Santa Claus. _That's_ what drove him insane."

"O… kay." Reno choked.

"What happened to the real one?" The clean woman asked her dirty counterpart. The dishevelled Elena glanced at herself.

"Hojo took him captive and experimented on him until it killed him."

"So why do I gotta do shit?"

And this time, the dirty woman threw Reno to the ground. "Because Sephiroth will destroy the world in an attempt to overtake it," she hissed. "He will try to take over this planet and try to travel the universe to find Santa. Millions will die. We've tried stopping Sephiroth in _my_ time, and we've succeeded twice, but we failed in the end. I've come from the future to stop this, once and for all!"

"Future?" Rufus's eyes gleamed. "How-"

"No," the future Elena snapped. In the meanwhile, present-day Elena snorted.

"Oh lovely. Millions of lives in Reno's hands. I knew we were doomed."

"I appreciate the negativity," Reno said drily as he got back onto his feet and dusted himself off. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

The comment received silent, stony glares. He raised his hands in supplication. "All-right, all-right!" he said. "I'll go save Santa."

"You'll be going to the past, when Hojo captured Santa," said the future Elena as she placed a human-sized bubble in the centre of the room. She tapped a few things in the air – or that was what it seemed – and suddenly holographic monitors sprang up. "We can monitor your progress from here."

"Wait a sec, I'm going _alone_?"

"No, of course not. You need me."

"No," said the current-day Elena and Reno in unison. The future Elena ignored both of them as she tapped a few things more.

"This device allows programs to project into a timeline as reality. I've reprogrammed it so it won't be too hard for you to use." She pointed at her past self. "You. You'll be monitoring."

"Me?" Elena blinked. "Um, okay."

Ignoring her counterpart's confusion, the future Elena prodded Reno with her big gun. "You," she snarled, "get into the bubble."

"Damn. I guess this means I never got to get my hands on…"

"Excuse me?!" exclaimed Elena, who was getting the feel of the system.

"Nothing, nothing." He ambled toward the bubble. "Am I gonna be naked?"

"No." The future Elena pushed him in – not gently – then stepped into the bubble herself. "The programming will take care of that."

Reno felt himself disintegrate, then his molecules knit back together, which was unpleasant indeed. He vaguely realised that he'd have to redo this when he went back to his own time, and decided that if Rufus thought about doing a business out of this, they better make this a little more pleasurable than what he had just experienced.

And then he realised he had more pressing issues than temporal disintegration.

"YOU TURNED ME INTO A FUCKING TOILET?"

"Oops, sorry!" came the virtual voice, but the apology didn't sound sincere at all. In fact, it sounded like Elena was laughing. "My mistake!"

"You fucking bitch… hang on, how can I hear you?"

"I programmed a com between us so we can communicate." More giggles. "God, I need to take a screenshot."

"You do it, I'll shove my rod up your ass!"

"I had no idea toilets could talk." Reno let out a frustrated shout, and then he heard, "okay, okay. Hang on."

He did hang on, as much as he could in his toilet body, and then he felt himself disintegrate – man, it felt weird – and then himself re-knit. He checked if everything was in working order – he seemed whole – and then he felt really, really uncomfortable. As in, cold and tight, as if his nether regions were bound in leather. And his face. Why did he feel like he was wearing a mask?

He looked down.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M IN A FUCKING GIMP SUIT!"

More laughter. Maybe this was how god felt, Reno thought uncharacteristically. Maybe God was an evil bastard who whooped every time he gave someone shit.

Or maybe Elena was just evil.

"Ride it baby, ride it!" came her voice. He could hear the maniacal glee in it. "What, you've never done this before?"

"Girl, I don't mind me some BDSM, but this is going way too far. GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING GIMP SUIT. Oh, and I need a weapon."

"You don't feel like spanking your rear? Oh, and here's your weapon." A gigantic pink… something appeared by his feet out of nothing. It had a handle, and what appeared to be some flubbery rod thing that was attached to the handle that flopped every way and that way when he picked it up. It was also shaped like…

"What the hell is this?! It looks like a gigantic dildo!"

"It's a bat. I thought it'd go with your suit."

"Oh my god, I'm gonna kill you!" He was beginning to really get angry. The bat vanished, much to his relief. He swore that he'll cram the said bat up the programmer's rear, heard more laughter.

"Oh come on. You know you want one," said Elena's disembodied voice.

"Like hell I do. AND GET. ME. OUT. OF. THIS. SUIT." He heard a new male voice, the one he recognised very well. "Oh my fucking god, don't tell me Axil's here!"

"Excuse me, what's going- whoa, is that Reno in a bondage suit?" said the disembodied voice of Rufus Shinra. "Can you take a screenshot?"

"Hey!" shouted the future Elena from where she stood, which was next to Reno. "Stop messing around! This is serious!"

"Okay, okay, fine, future me. Sheesh." Reno felt himself disintegrate for the third time, then his body come back together. He then heard a disturbing "no worries, I took screenshots."

"Oh fuck me," he groaned. "They're never gonna let me live this down. Man, she hates me," he grumbled. "What the fuck did I do?"

"She doesn't hate you."

"Huh?" he turned his head to look at the woman next to him. "Sure she does. Why else would she do this to me?"

"Well, she doesn't," she said.

"How the hell do you know?"

"Because we became good friends… comrades," she said simply. "The reason why I came is because Sephiroth killed you in the future. I couldn't let that happen. Trust me, I didn't come for the welfare of mankind."

"Oh, that's cool… hang on a sec, did you just say _we became friends?!_"

"Yes. We reconciled our differences, in the end." She glanced at him. "Although right now, I'm not sure why."

He looked down to see what Elena had dressed him in. Then he seriously considered beating the crap out of her, woman or no.

"Elena!" He shouted into the air. "You gave me one shitty hell of a sweater to wear!"

And sure enough, it was every fashionista's image of a pariah. It was so awful Reno contemplated shooting himself in the head for a moment, but oh no, he had to go save Santa. That git.

The sweater was red. Of course. Why couldn't a Christmas sweater be black or dark blue? But it had to be red; never mind that red didn't go with red hair, period. It also had teddy bears – ugh – and Christmas trees in all its festive glory, plus bells and whatever that had struck the knitter's whimsy. He was also in jeans.

"No swearing!" Elena snapped.

"What?"

"Santa won't accept help from someone on the naughty list!" The woman snapped again. "He is a proud spirit of the holidays, and he will not accept aid from someone who dares to ruin it!"

"Is that why I'm in this shitty sweater? For the holiday spirit?"

"I said, _no swearing!_"

"How am I gonna break Santa out of his biolab jail without a gun?" He asked. "Don't tell me I'm breaking him out with cookies."

"You can't use a gun," his partner said simply. "That'd put you on the naughty list."

"Oh, for god's sake, there is no naughty list!"

But Elena – damn it, when did she get this strong? – grabbed him by the collar. The shitty sweater collar. He hoped for a moment that it would rip. "There **is** a naughty list," she hissed. "And you do not want to get on it."

"What the hell?"

"You have no idea what happens if you're on the naughty list!" She let go; by that time, Reno was starting to doubt this woman's claim that they had ever become friends. She seemed a psychopathic lunatic hell-bent on saving Santa – whatever – and he was getting sick of taking her abuse.

"Look lady," he said sternly, "I can't do jackshit without a weapon. Gun. Baton. Anything. Aaaaand…" he looked around. "Looks like we ain't alone."

And indeed they weren't. Suddenly there were soldiers. Well, were they soldiers? Why were they dressed like mice? What the hell? And why was it that there were a bunch of gigantic nutcrackers marching with them? And why were they marching _to_ him? Were they…?

"Oh shit!"

He rolled into a dive and narrowly avoided the spinning sword that came flying his way. He rolled again, dodging a swinging blow from a mouse soldier, then dived. "Laney! Really, really need a weapon!"

This time, Elena seemed to have listened, for he saw something appear next to him, and he grabbed for it. He got to his feet, and whacked the mouse with whatever he had grabbed.

"A candy cane?! A fucking candy cane?!"

"Don't worry! It's reinforced!" came the sunny reply. "It won't break!"

"Whatever. Not that different from what I use," he muttered. He whacked another enemy – a toy soldier, except it was life-sized – with the candy cane, then began to make his way to-

"Hang on a sec. Where's Hojo if there's no Shinra HQ?"

"Hojo has his lab in in the north side of the town!" The future Elena cried as she shot at the gingerbread thing that was trying to scratch her with what appeared to be a gigantic toy gun. The bullets seemed to be Christmas baubles.

"Man, this is seriously messed up."

Thankfully, the north side of the town wasn't too far away, and Reno had little trouble dispatching the critters and the life-sized toys that seemed very intent to stop him from rescuing Santa. It was annoying, the sweater bothered him, and he thought he kept hearing laughter from his own world, but what the hell.

_Hey, if this gets me brownie points from the Prez…_

Hojo's lab – or more like a hovel – was located next to a small diner that he had no recollection of seeing. Well, this was the past, after all. At first, the hovel seemed empty, and he casually broke into it. It wasn't difficult to locate Santa; he was locked up in a cage, his jolly belly gone, his white beard ragged and grey. His famous red outfit had holes in them, and even Reno was slightly sorry for the guy.

"Hey Santa," he said, as he whacked on the lock. The future Elena was on the lookout, just in case the toys came in to attack them. To his dismay, the lock came apart when he hit it with his candy cane. Maybe the candy cane was reinforced to break through anything. "Here."

"Who… who are you?" croaked the old man.

"I came to save you. Looks like if I don't, the world's gonna go nuts. Go me."

Santa nodded and grasped Reno's outstretched hand. He got to his feet, looking weakened and terribly thin.

"Man, you look awful," he commented.

"Hojo…" Santa gasped. "Hojo experimented on me, dear boy. He plans to take over the world!"

"Hang on a sec, how does that work?"

"Christmas brings warmth to people's hearts-"

"Yeah yeah, I don't believe that crap, but go on."

"And without it, people's love will wilt and die. That is Hojo's plan."

"Man," Reno griped. "I always knew he was wacko but that is seriously fucked up."

"Language!"

But Santa waved Future Elena's concerns away. "No worries, my dear," he said. "Naughty word isn't naughty deeds. And I know this boy has a heart of gold."

"You heard that?" Reno said gleefully. "I have a heart of gold!"

Future Elena shrugged, but she smiled; he heard present Elena's disembodied voice exclaiming "heart of gold?!" and then someone – Rude? Axil? – going "shhhh!".

_Whatever._

"So how can we stop that old geezer?" Reno asked as he led the old man out of the hovel. "If we can, that is."

"Of course, dear boy! Ho ho ho!" said Santa. "All we need to do is give out the proper presents before Hojo gives the wrong ones out before us!"

"There's proper presents?"

"Of course." Santa nodded vigorously. "There's the proper presents for the young boys and girls – toys, dolls, what the good children want – but Hojo has been developing what looks like toys but are actually mind-controllers that will turn the young children into mindless drones!"

"And that's how the war started," the future Elena said through gritted teeth. "We must stop him!"

"There's a WAR?!" Reno said, flabbergasted. "You never told me this!"

"I couldn't," said the future Elena miserably. "You… you fell… and…"

"Okay, okay, I got it." He turned away from her, not really wanting to hear how he died. "Okay, how do we do this shit?"

"My sleigh should be somewhere around here." Santa looked around. "We must get on it, and deliver the presents before the clock strikes twelve!"

"Okay, let's go!"

They ran to the back, and sure enough, there was a sleigh, although it looked battered and not quite functional. And besides, it was empty.

"Hey, er, old man?" Reno turned to look at the thin Santa. Man, that looked so weird. "This thing is empty."

"But of course it is!"

"Um, so how the hell are we gonna give out presents if we don't have any?"

"No worry, my boy. My workshop has been busy!" He waved a hand magnanimously, and suddenly, the sleigh became as shiny as new, and the seats were filled with presents!

"How on earth did you do that?" Reno goggled.

"Holiday magic, my boy. Now, shall we go?"

"But Santa… the reindeers…"

"Oh, that's right." Santa nodded at Elena's suggestion. He whistle once, twice, then thrice, and continued until he had whistled eight times. Reno watched, not entirely sure what Santa was doing, but then hastily jumped back when eight reindeers came dashing through the snow.

"Ah, here you are, my lovely reindeers," Santa crooned. "Reno, meet my lovely reindeers. They're Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen."

"Yeah. Um. Hi." Man, the sweater was itching. He climbed into the sleigh as the reindeers magically hitched themselves, then turned to his future wife. "You comin'?"

She shook her head. "No, my friend," she whispered. "I must return, it cannot take more time-space continuum warp. Go, save the world." She kissed him on the cheek. "Be a hero."

And then she vanished.

"Right, why can't she be like that all the time?" Reno wondered out loud as he settled into the heavily cushioned and extremely comfortable seat.

"I heard that!" came the indignant cry from the far beyond.

And off they went. They sped through the air, faster than any vehicle Reno had ever been in, and he was amazed at the marvellous speed and the stability of it. The towns sped below them like shooting stars, and wrapped presents and coals alike scattered from the dispenser like raindrops as Reno pressed the buttons, landing and vanishing down the chimneys and through the windows, trailing glitter behind them. The reindeers ran through the air, their bells tinkling as they moved. They went over every house, the presents rained, and as more presents became distributed, the houses began to glow as if they were candles… until everywhere he could see, there were glowing houses. He had no idea of the time until he heard the distant bells telling everyone that the new day had begun.

"Ah, thank you, my boy," said Santa. By now, he had filled his red suit out, and the red suit had mended itself somehow. The beard and the hair were pearly white and he looked like the jolly old Santa again. "Couldn't have done this without you. Now the people of Midgar will remember the holiday cheer." Santa tugged on the reins and the sleigh descended to the town square, where a huge Christmas tree had been erected. As Reno watched, Santa waved his hand, and the lights on the tree bloomed into life, giving a merry glow.

"I just want to be clear, my dear boy," said Santa, "you can't force your way onto the Nice list."

"Santa…"

"You never believed in me or the holiday, but you spread the holiday cheer regardless and saved me and Christmas. And for that, I thank you," Santa continued. "But it takes more than one good deed to show a change of heart, my boy."

And Reno was brought back to reality, and all the crimes he had committed. He looked down at his red, ugly sweater. "I know," he muttered under his breath.

But Santa wasn't Santa for nothing. "Listen, my boy," he said, raising his chin with his gloved hands. "The night isn't over just yet. Share the joy of Christmas!" And he smiled as he saw Reno's sad face. "It feels good to spread joy to the strangers, and build memories with your family and friends. Surely you know that by now?"

And well, Reno did.

"You do that, and I'll put you on the Nice List."

"It's not too late?" He asked, almost timidly.

"Of course it's not too late! It's Christmas! There's always time for one more miracle!"

Reno looked up at the tree. Wasn't everything he had witnessed a miracle, from the renewing of the sleigh to the reindeers? And if that was possible, surely this one was too?

Surely, it wasn't too late?

Santa nodded as he saw Reno's expression change. He climbed into the sleigh, and was gone with a voice and the sound of the bells before Reno noticed. And with that, Reno felt himself disintegrate once again, his every molecule breaking apart, and the world spiralled out into darkness…

"Hey," said the familiar voice, "welcome back."

Reno looked up from where he was lying on the floor. The bubble contraption was gone, and so was the dishevelled and dusty Elena. In front of him stood the clean version of it, crouching. "Hey," he said as he got up. Was all of that a dream?

But if it was, did it matter?

"So, saved the world?" Elena asked. Rude and Tseng were up on the ladders, putting wreaths up on the walls. Rufus was directing them like an expert, telling them left and right. Elena was untangling a mess of green and red ribbons.

"Yeah, I-" he stopped. Looked at her. "It wasn't a dream?"

Elena grinned. "Nope. Or, at least, if it was, we all had the same dream at the same time." She continued to untangle the bundle. "Did you like the bat?"

"NO," he glared at her, but then grinned. It was Christmas, and Santa was coming to town. He reached over for the box of baubles. "So," he said, "where do I put these?"


End file.
